Another Journey

I am still awaiting my visa. I am looking forward to going home and be with my family before I spend the next two years in another country. I feel like I need to be doing something different. Another country, another job, different people, different life. I wonder what awaits me. I just wish that my life will change with this time. I know that wherever I will be, I am always guided and Someone from up there watches over me.  

Trying to have a Green Thumb

It is the first day of Chinese New Year and I have heard that its good to get a plant as it symbolizes new life. We went to the wet market and made my dad buy my mom a long-lasting Valentines gift of this plant with white flowers. At least this one I'm sure my mom is crazy about and it wont just wither in matter of days just like the bouquet of flowers most ladies get on V Day. I talked my way so we went back just to get this special plant. And I got myself this dwarf Pandakaki. The leaves are so green and it bears little white flowers so that got me so excited as well. When we arrived home, the first thing I did was to get the gloves and made my way to the garden. I transferred my little Pandakaki plant in this small red pot so it will look like an indoor plant. I also replanted these herbs and moved them in a shady area. This is the first time I have shown interest in greens in a very long while. I just truly hope they won't die in matter of days (I have checked and they are very much alive!) Thank Heavens! I am so proud of myself for having these plants live, just like my small fishes who has gotten the first month already. If I hadn't spent long time at home such as this I would never know the simple joys of having a pet and planting. You don't need to have green thumb or an expert to make organisms live. You just have to shower them with love. So they will know that there is someone who's taking care of them. And they will grow better. Something concerns me though, I will be leaving in a few days and I hope Mama will continue to take care of them. The fishes I doubt that the water will be changed everyday as I do since Mama is so busy but at least I won't have to see them die ;( As for my Pandakaki, I'm pretty sure she'll have a long and healthy life. I really pray that this year will bring me success in work and happiness. I am quite scared in upcoming days as I will be leaving my comfort zone but I am also looking forward as to what this new year will bring! ;)

2012 A Year that Was...

I can say that this year has been about family. Most of the months I spent with both sides. A feat knowing I haven't been able to do that in a very long while. So to summarize here's what I have done this year: 

January:
I did something that shook up my work place. For the first time, I walked out while on duty. At that moment, I just couldn't take it. I have been tolerant for the longest time, did things against my will and allowed so much degrading I could muster and I just snapped. And they finally saw what I could do. Made people believe I was really leaving. Prompt them to listen up. 

February:
Spent another Valentines and Birthday not being with him. Two of the most romantic occasions wherein you should be with your significant other and I ended up celebrating with reliable friends. Should I be sad about this reality or hold on to the saying that random moments happen when you don't realize the date on the calendar? 

* I become a better cook. Experimented with different dishes, different ingredients, different desserts. Learned a lot of techniques through internet, tv and advises. I think this prepares me for being domestic one day.

* I put my hand into sewing. Something I wanted to do. Made use of my handy, hand-held portable sewing machine. Was able to finish a cute kitchen curtain and the one for our room. Gave me back and shoulder pains afterwards. But at least now I can tell myself I can sew.

* I taught myself how to do threading. By watching youtube and observing the hands of this lady who did it for me. Practiced it to my family. 

* I taught myself how to burn a document to a cd. For the longest time I wanted to learn it, and I finally did. By now, I probably forgot how...

* Passed the Civil Service Eligibility 21 Oct. 2012. Did Self Review for about a month and prayed very hard. On the exam day, I wore my lucky green blouse. I thought I did well but there are also a lot of questions I wasn't sure of my answers. On 8 Dec. 2012, I was holding my rosary when I scanned the results, and there I saw my name! I was screaming and shouting! This is how it feels passing, now I know! 

* I went through depressing phase of acne once again. This recurring problem that never left me since adolescence. Turned out I use a wrong product Diprolene which triggered acne. And so asked the help of Dermatologist to no avail. What a waste. Glad to switch to proactiv and althea. Did some natural remedies of baking soda and lemon etc. So far, it has worked. I know I couldn't be flawless but at least now I wont be terrified of going out. 

* I learned to hold on and work things out through a long distance relationship. It becomes difficult most of the time since we only connect through the airwaves but when love bonds you in so many ways, you stay strong together. 

* I spent time reading good books, though The Kite Runner stood out. I can't get over the story until around one week, it truly affected me so. 

* My faith increased. I have received numerous little miracles. I treasure the times I get to go to Blessed Sacrament and enjoy the serenity and the presence of the Holy Spirit. God always delivers for me, He never fails. Especially during the times when I thought all was lost, He always finds a way for me to get back on my feet and smile. He is my rock. The only One whom I know who will never leave me.

* Enjoyed the times with cousins. Its a wonderful feeling to be reunited with the people of your bloodlines. The ones I haven't seen for a couple of years. I'm always thankful that this year, I get to be with them. 

* I got to travel. We went to Caraga, Palawan and Cebu. Its a milestone I would say. And my family was with me so we have bonded a lot. Being in a different place lets you see life's other side. Its a refreshing feeling. 

* I realized how driven I have become. That there are still many things I could learn and succeed if I really put my will into each task I want. I could be invincible in many ways, on my own, if I dedicate myself wholeheartedly. 

There are so many things I haven't written to which I should be thankful and grateful for, I just couldn't remember them, lucky breaks, countless of blessings have been poured without me noticing. Things that were not meant for me, nonetheles, I am indebted to the One and Only Saviour of my life. What will I do without You, O God? You never fail me. Please stay with me as I journey this rich life You have given me. Thank You, Lord!

On My Own

There are many ways for a woman to get what she wants. And it starts with being on your own. For a very long time, I valued my independence and learned not to rely on other people. I worked my ass off just so I could show people I can make it alone. I haven't been exactly euphoric and at least I find personal satisfaction when I achieve something, bought something, enjoyed a wonderful meal, taken quite and peaceful walks, watched unforgettable movies and series, doing creative crafts, listening to my music, experimenting in the kitchen, writing to my journal, shopping cheap bargains, going to a spa, dressing up for winter, reading a good book, pampering my skin and hair, cleaning my room and basking in a sweet scent after, taking time in the shower with a cool body wash, those are my cheap thrills that I can very much do alone. I am such a homebody that you don't run out of things to do. And then slowly I let myself cling to someone. Like I thought it was so much better to share things with your significant other. I admit it was different and real and fun. Until I got to a point where I wouldn't do things until he's with me. Then you realize you can't put your life on hold because of him. You have to stand both on your feet and drag yourself into where you want to be. You can never count on people as much as you count on you. I have lived my life before knowing exactly how I should do it. Just me and my determination. The combination dwindled a bit lately but I am set now into tapping that again. The worst part of waiting for someone is that when it doesn't happen, it crushes you in a million pieces and you start to tell yourself, "I should have done it on my own, at least when I fail I have no one else to blame but myself". That will be my mantra.

His Reassuring Ways

I found myself worried again. After all it has been half a month that we haven't spoken in a heart to heart way. And after the last time where I really couldn't hide my sleepiness and turned him away. Two days have gone by and I began to wonder I must have offended him. So when I got the chance to wake up past 4am (although I had the feeling he will just be fast asleep) I  still rang him. When he didn't answer, I got up and prayed my heart out. How this was causing me a lot of pain, how this situation seems to be just a vicious cycle of either him or me getting mad and would just opt for the disappearing act, and most of all the distance. I often wondered if the time will ever come when we will be together again, such a far thought. While I'm at it, the cellphone vibrated. Ahh, finally. Damn, hearing his voice made my knees weak. Just the anticipation of speaking to him dissolved any drowsiness I might have. I asked him if he was angry of the way I turned him away his last phone call and told me "when was I angry at you, angry for what?" I almost cried of relief. When will I ever stop entertaining negative thoughts about what he's thinking of me? Maybe because I always find myself guilty so the thought of him one day just snapping truly horrifies me. But as he always tells me, nothing will ever turn him away. How I appreciate that. He then told me he spoke to his friend who might help me find work there again, that they are trying to open the branch this month and made him promise to not forget my application because he wants me so badly to come back. That they might offer a lower salary and reassured me not to worry because he will take care of me when I am already there. When I asked him if he really wants me to come back, he said he does and would even give me his own company visa just to make sure I could go back in his country. Am I just lucky to have found someone who cares for me as much as he does? Its just that I haven't felt this way having someone who looks after my welfare. Am I so selfish to look past him and dream of things he cannot give me? Or should I just be thankful I have him despite the complications he has ties with? One thing I learned, to grab happiness with both hands and learn not to let go. You don't get to past the water that flowed twice. And that true love happens in your lifetime once and if you are extremely lucky, twice. So should I spend the rest of my life pondering what if's? Or carry on with the present I am sure would fulfill my wellbeing? I think I am sure of the answer myself and the choice I am prepared to make. 

Away in Cebu

After 7 years, I get to go back to Cebu. This one is a family thing. My uncle's birthday and my father's brothers will all be going there. Great to know that everyone's interested on being there. Even Big Brother took some time off to be there. So we went to the airport where we were joined by cousins for our flight. After Palawan, now we are surrounded with familiar people. So we were fetched from the airport and we found that they already prepared dinner. 7 years and a lot has changed. They renovated the house. My lady cousin got married and now has a husband and a baby living in the house. They bought a different car. So much has changed but not their excellent hosting skills. So much has changed but not much for my family, I guess. What I saw was admiration for them. They are so endeared with each other unlike us who can't seem to get through a day without clashing. And look how life is treating them. So it was one way of seeing the situation we currently have. Why it has become so difficult living the exact way we were living before. And shouldn't I feel concerned? When I am the eldest whom everyone is looking up to? Does it really have to lie on my shoulders? I don't know where I should be headed. 

At the Memorial

I have been looking forward to this day. A chance to visit dead loved ones, a chance to be in a place in such a date and a chance to be with family. It took forever just to get inside. But once we were there, the euphoria sank in. And so the moment I was with our cousins, I knew then that this is the place to be. Updates, updates and more updates. Conversation, food, laughter are such wonderful combinations. We talked about lots of stories, reminisce about funny moments, boasting a little, name it. I don't think I laugh or enjoyed myself like this in a long time. What a relief. So couple of hours and I was having so much fun. Never mind the nagging thought I had since yesterday about the affairs of my heart. Whenever I am with my cousins, I get lost. So I thought maybe, I can make myself happy even without him as long as I am with my family. Being in this carefree moments gave me a glimpse that maybe  I still have that old spine in me, that independent streak that helped during times of weakness. I truly pray that God would grant me this one thing I am asking. Just to find and reinvent myself.