Slap in the Face

I found myself alone so I decided that this is the best chance I have in conquering the deed I have so painstakingly choreographed in my mind. And so there I was, ready to be someone else for the sake of pleasuring the man I love. This isn't something I've done before. As a matter of fact, this was the first time I'll be overcoming my timidity and be confident with my own skin. I felt confident, maybe so because I am with someone who has been with me, has seen everything in me for three long years. So I stood there, feeling very much like a slut but at the same time empowered that I can really do this. This isn't something a million other girls wouldn't do. As we were wrapping up, candidly, I opened up the unattainable topic of marriage, in passing. He was still caught up with the moment that took place earlier and so didn't take me seriously. He was still joking with that grape in his mouth. But I suddenly became another person, the other personality that oozes with seriousness. I am truly something, don't you think? One minute I am this playful, passionate girlfriend eager to please and the next I became this selfish, unreasonable, spinster-bound girl. And because he saw the expression on my face, he deal with it   the way I made him to. He told me without a tinge of whatsoever that he would support me in whatever way he can, but he will never offer me marriage. There. He said it again. Like a couple of times he told me. And because I was a hopeless romantic, I refuse to take it, believing that a time will come when he is going to change his mind or to say it better, I will make him change his mind. I had it in me to give him an ultimatum and see what he will do. I left. We have been apart for months now. I wanted to see how much he loves me. How much patience he will take in this situation. So in the course of time, in the moments of melancholy of long distance, he declared how much he loves me and would do anything so we could be together again. To the point of telling me he will come and ask for my hand in marriage. Foolish girls are not only stupid but blind as well. How could I not see that he will never choose me over his family. How could I not see that I am wasting precious time by staying with him. That I have been voluntarily shunning possible suitors by waiting for him. How could I not? I have been so blinded with him that I couldn't see any other man past him. Thus the misery I have been carrying since. 
Only around midnight that I realized this had to happen on our 3rd year anniversary. Couldn't choose a better day. So I took the revitalizing shower that would awaken me senseless and make a life-changing move. The moment I finished, still draping wet with towel wrapped around me, I dialed a number. I would thank heavens after that this one call calmed my nerves, that this lady who answered was like an angel for giving me hope I so needed at that moment. I sprang to my feet and did with tremendous energy what I needed to do before I change my mind and leave it to God.  
The whole day I pretended like I was my normal self, but the burden of what he has said to me is just so overwhelming that I feel like I am sleepwalking with numbness. I wished I am not so taken by him so that it would be easier to just let go. I have been through this before and each time doesn't make it easier. But distance has made me stronger. Not seeing him in person for a long time does change you. I was never clingy, but being around him made me so vulnerable. That lately I feel like I need to become independent like the person I was before I met him. If there is really no future between us then I will make a future for myself. A future that doesn't include him.  A future in a faraway place. I don't think its too late. It is never too late to find yourself again.