On My Own

There are many ways for a woman to get what she wants. And it starts with being on your own. For a very long time, I valued my independence and learned not to rely on other people. I worked my ass off just so I could show people I can make it alone. I haven't been exactly euphoric and at least I find personal satisfaction when I achieve something, bought something, enjoyed a wonderful meal, taken quite and peaceful walks, watched unforgettable movies and series, doing creative crafts, listening to my music, experimenting in the kitchen, writing to my journal, shopping cheap bargains, going to a spa, dressing up for winter, reading a good book, pampering my skin and hair, cleaning my room and basking in a sweet scent after, taking time in the shower with a cool body wash, those are my cheap thrills that I can very much do alone. I am such a homebody that you don't run out of things to do. And then slowly I let myself cling to someone. Like I thought it was so much better to share things with your significant other. I admit it was different and real and fun. Until I got to a point where I wouldn't do things until he's with me. Then you realize you can't put your life on hold because of him. You have to stand both on your feet and drag yourself into where you want to be. You can never count on people as much as you count on you. I have lived my life before knowing exactly how I should do it. Just me and my determination. The combination dwindled a bit lately but I am set now into tapping that again. The worst part of waiting for someone is that when it doesn't happen, it crushes you in a million pieces and you start to tell yourself, "I should have done it on my own, at least when I fail I have no one else to blame but myself". That will be my mantra.

His Reassuring Ways

I found myself worried again. After all it has been half a month that we haven't spoken in a heart to heart way. And after the last time where I really couldn't hide my sleepiness and turned him away. Two days have gone by and I began to wonder I must have offended him. So when I got the chance to wake up past 4am (although I had the feeling he will just be fast asleep) I  still rang him. When he didn't answer, I got up and prayed my heart out. How this was causing me a lot of pain, how this situation seems to be just a vicious cycle of either him or me getting mad and would just opt for the disappearing act, and most of all the distance. I often wondered if the time will ever come when we will be together again, such a far thought. While I'm at it, the cellphone vibrated. Ahh, finally. Damn, hearing his voice made my knees weak. Just the anticipation of speaking to him dissolved any drowsiness I might have. I asked him if he was angry of the way I turned him away his last phone call and told me "when was I angry at you, angry for what?" I almost cried of relief. When will I ever stop entertaining negative thoughts about what he's thinking of me? Maybe because I always find myself guilty so the thought of him one day just snapping truly horrifies me. But as he always tells me, nothing will ever turn him away. How I appreciate that. He then told me he spoke to his friend who might help me find work there again, that they are trying to open the branch this month and made him promise to not forget my application because he wants me so badly to come back. That they might offer a lower salary and reassured me not to worry because he will take care of me when I am already there. When I asked him if he really wants me to come back, he said he does and would even give me his own company visa just to make sure I could go back in his country. Am I just lucky to have found someone who cares for me as much as he does? Its just that I haven't felt this way having someone who looks after my welfare. Am I so selfish to look past him and dream of things he cannot give me? Or should I just be thankful I have him despite the complications he has ties with? One thing I learned, to grab happiness with both hands and learn not to let go. You don't get to past the water that flowed twice. And that true love happens in your lifetime once and if you are extremely lucky, twice. So should I spend the rest of my life pondering what if's? Or carry on with the present I am sure would fulfill my wellbeing? I think I am sure of the answer myself and the choice I am prepared to make. 

Away in Cebu

After 7 years, I get to go back to Cebu. This one is a family thing. My uncle's birthday and my father's brothers will all be going there. Great to know that everyone's interested on being there. Even Big Brother took some time off to be there. So we went to the airport where we were joined by cousins for our flight. After Palawan, now we are surrounded with familiar people. So we were fetched from the airport and we found that they already prepared dinner. 7 years and a lot has changed. They renovated the house. My lady cousin got married and now has a husband and a baby living in the house. They bought a different car. So much has changed but not their excellent hosting skills. So much has changed but not much for my family, I guess. What I saw was admiration for them. They are so endeared with each other unlike us who can't seem to get through a day without clashing. And look how life is treating them. So it was one way of seeing the situation we currently have. Why it has become so difficult living the exact way we were living before. And shouldn't I feel concerned? When I am the eldest whom everyone is looking up to? Does it really have to lie on my shoulders? I don't know where I should be headed. 

At the Memorial

I have been looking forward to this day. A chance to visit dead loved ones, a chance to be in a place in such a date and a chance to be with family. It took forever just to get inside. But once we were there, the euphoria sank in. And so the moment I was with our cousins, I knew then that this is the place to be. Updates, updates and more updates. Conversation, food, laughter are such wonderful combinations. We talked about lots of stories, reminisce about funny moments, boasting a little, name it. I don't think I laugh or enjoyed myself like this in a long time. What a relief. So couple of hours and I was having so much fun. Never mind the nagging thought I had since yesterday about the affairs of my heart. Whenever I am with my cousins, I get lost. So I thought maybe, I can make myself happy even without him as long as I am with my family. Being in this carefree moments gave me a glimpse that maybe  I still have that old spine in me, that independent streak that helped during times of weakness. I truly pray that God would grant me this one thing I am asking. Just to find and reinvent myself.

Slap in the Face

I found myself alone so I decided that this is the best chance I have in conquering the deed I have so painstakingly choreographed in my mind. And so there I was, ready to be someone else for the sake of pleasuring the man I love. This isn't something I've done before. As a matter of fact, this was the first time I'll be overcoming my timidity and be confident with my own skin. I felt confident, maybe so because I am with someone who has been with me, has seen everything in me for three long years. So I stood there, feeling very much like a slut but at the same time empowered that I can really do this. This isn't something a million other girls wouldn't do. As we were wrapping up, candidly, I opened up the unattainable topic of marriage, in passing. He was still caught up with the moment that took place earlier and so didn't take me seriously. He was still joking with that grape in his mouth. But I suddenly became another person, the other personality that oozes with seriousness. I am truly something, don't you think? One minute I am this playful, passionate girlfriend eager to please and the next I became this selfish, unreasonable, spinster-bound girl. And because he saw the expression on my face, he deal with it   the way I made him to. He told me without a tinge of whatsoever that he would support me in whatever way he can, but he will never offer me marriage. There. He said it again. Like a couple of times he told me. And because I was a hopeless romantic, I refuse to take it, believing that a time will come when he is going to change his mind or to say it better, I will make him change his mind. I had it in me to give him an ultimatum and see what he will do. I left. We have been apart for months now. I wanted to see how much he loves me. How much patience he will take in this situation. So in the course of time, in the moments of melancholy of long distance, he declared how much he loves me and would do anything so we could be together again. To the point of telling me he will come and ask for my hand in marriage. Foolish girls are not only stupid but blind as well. How could I not see that he will never choose me over his family. How could I not see that I am wasting precious time by staying with him. That I have been voluntarily shunning possible suitors by waiting for him. How could I not? I have been so blinded with him that I couldn't see any other man past him. Thus the misery I have been carrying since. 
Only around midnight that I realized this had to happen on our 3rd year anniversary. Couldn't choose a better day. So I took the revitalizing shower that would awaken me senseless and make a life-changing move. The moment I finished, still draping wet with towel wrapped around me, I dialed a number. I would thank heavens after that this one call calmed my nerves, that this lady who answered was like an angel for giving me hope I so needed at that moment. I sprang to my feet and did with tremendous energy what I needed to do before I change my mind and leave it to God.  
The whole day I pretended like I was my normal self, but the burden of what he has said to me is just so overwhelming that I feel like I am sleepwalking with numbness. I wished I am not so taken by him so that it would be easier to just let go. I have been through this before and each time doesn't make it easier. But distance has made me stronger. Not seeing him in person for a long time does change you. I was never clingy, but being around him made me so vulnerable. That lately I feel like I need to become independent like the person I was before I met him. If there is really no future between us then I will make a future for myself. A future that doesn't include him.  A future in a faraway place. I don't think its too late. It is never too late to find yourself again.